Odds and Sods

Wigan 0 - Arsenal 0

Why play a 39th match abroad, when you can come to the Wigan and play on the surface of the moon.  The pitch aside, it was a dismal Arsenal effort.  Bendtner bumbled around negating Adebayor, who disappeared during the dreary second half.  The sails flutter and the ship is taking on water.  They are unbeaten, but broken.

Tottenham 4 - West Ham 0

Big Match Berbatov comes through in the clutch again, as Tottenham creeps closer in the riotous race for tenth.  Spurs have supplanted Liverpool as the league’s Jeckyll and Hyde outfit.  Another Darren Bent sighting as well.

Liverpool 3 - Newcastle 0

As usual for Liverpool, it was Torres, Gerrard and a tad bit of luck.  They have hit form in time to take firm hold of fourth.  Someone should ring up the Soccer Circus to alert them that Obafemi Martins is good.

Reading 2 - Manchester City 0

Coppell’s squad cobbelled together a huge victory to lift them from the relegation zone.  City are fading, but from injuries rather than a premature Sventasm.  Stephen Hunt must lead the “innocuous collision” table.

The FA Cup Third Round relieved us from the dreariness of our normal robust Premier League schedule to enthrall us with live riveting matches like Pompey-Ipswich and grant us the opportunity to pay top dollar to watch Villa-Utd.  All 20 Premier League clubs participated at the weekend and here are their performances ranked in order.

Great Success!

1. Manchester United 2-0 win over Aston Villa.  They had a tough draw, having to play Villa away.  It wasn’t a dominant performance, but they got the goals when it counted.

2. Wigan beating Sunderland on the road 3-0.  A convincing win against a (for now)  Premier League caliber side away.  Still hoping that Wigan supporters adopt “Don’t Let Me Dow-ow-own, Brrrruce!” (the ELO song) as an anthem.

High Five

3. Arsenal win 2-0 away at Burnley.  It didn’t set the world on fire, but they got the job done.

4. Middlesbrough come back from behind to beat Bristol City 2-1.  It’s a win, so Boro supporters will be pleased.

Listen pussycat, give me a smile

5. Chelsea beat QPR 1-0.  Got my hopes up when The Guardian misprinted the result as a QPR 1-0 victory.  Not impressive but they’ll take it.

6. Portsmouth beating Ipswich 1-0.  David Nugent is still alive.  Who knew?

I get Ipod.  He get Ipod mini.  But everybody know it’s for girls!

7-8. Tottenham and Reading Draw 2-2.  Berbatov should donate part of his next contract to Reading.

9-10. Manchester City 0 - West Ham 0.  Yawn.

11. Derby drew Sheffield Wednesday 2-2.  Sheffield Wednesday are a Championship side, but so are Derby so the result is fitting.  The Rams will just be happy to fight another day.

12. Aston Villa lost to Manchester United 2-0.  Bad draw.

Do Not Fear Me Gypsy.  All I want is your tears.

13. Liverpool drew with Luton 1-1.  Jose Mourinho… Come on down!

14. Newcastle drew with Stoke 0-0.  Do you want your Big Sam ass cheek Medium or Well Done?

15. Bolton lost to Sheffield Utd. 1-0.  Respectable loss and probably better for them to bow out early and concentrate on the League.

What’s Up with it Vanilla Face?

16. Fulham drew Bristol Rovers 2-2.  They can’t even keep a clean sheet against a struggling League One side.

17. Sunderland lost to Wigan 3-0 at home.  Embarassing.

18. Birmingham Lost to Huddersfield 2-1.  Unacceptable.

Where I put this?

19. Everton lost 1-0 to Oldham.  Teams that are taking that next step don’t lose to Oldham.

20. Blackburn lost 4-1 to Coventry at home.  Hideous.

“There’s only one Titus Bramble” chanted the Wigan faithful, and he made the difference, earning a point in their 1-1 draw with Liverpool.  Torres scored the initial goal, which salvaged Liverpool a point, but they have to be extremely disappointed with yet another poor result at “fortress” Anfield, winning only four of ten.

Any persistent delusions of a League title this season have been dashed, with four teams and a 12 point margin between them and the top.  This will likely exacerbate the tension between Benitez and the American owners, who expected the club to contend after spending heavily during the summer.

Another manager whose seat is scorching his pasty behind is Sam Allardyce, who suffered another disappointing result as Newcastle lost to Manchester City 0-2.  Remember back in the summer when Allardyce was the safe choice and hiring Sven was wacky?  Elano continues to prove himself as the best value signing of last summer, as he added another goal in this one.  Sven’s strange magic has City in the Champions League Places past halfway through the season.  Imagine how good they would be if they actually had a real striker.

“It was like a funeral in there” Sir Alex said.  The only thing quieter than the fans at Old Trafford was the team’s vaunted attack during Manchester United’s 1-0 win over Birmingham.  Like Liverpool, United would really be stuck without their slightly effeminate Iberian.  Though, it’s still better to be critiquing bad victories.  Birmingham are quietly an up and coming side.

Arsenal cooly disposed of West Ham 2-0 at the Emirates.  For once, Arsenal took control of the game from the onset and never relinquished it.  Eduardo and Adebayor both scored for the second game in a row.  Scoffed at by English pundits a few weeks ago, their recent run of form has them back on top as favorites.

Aston Villa beat Tottenham 2-1.  Shockingly, Dimitar Berbatov did not mention to put four past a decent Villa side.  It was a nice result for Villa, having seen some solid performances in recent weeks come up fruitless.  Spurs may be more fit, but they still can’t defend set pieces.  The two goals they allowed from them didn’t matter against Reading, but the two allowed in this match proved decisive.

Spurs have scored the same amount of goals as rivals Arsenal.  But their goal differences are +4 and +26 respectively, which says a lot.  Despite picking up the pace a bit under Juande Ramos, Spurs remain closer to relegation than playing in Europe.

Best Player: Cristiano Ronaldo, Manchester United

It’s difficult to argue with this one.  Even if he does score a number of goals on penalties, he still produces a striker’s tally from midfield and, unlike Frank Lampard, he manages to look skillful while doing it.  The scariest thing is that he is only going to get better.

Worst Player: Kevin Kilbane, Wigan Athletic

This was a difficult choice, as teammate Titus Bramble is equally incompetent.  However, Bramble at least shows flashes of ability at times, while Zinedine Kilbane is 100% useless.  Michael Ballack would have been in the running, but was disqualified due to two few appearances.

Best Manager: Sven-Goran Eriksson, Manchester City

There are some worthy candidates, notably Arsene Wenger and Harry Redknapp.  However, both had far better raw materials to begin the season.  Sven had a squad that looked likely to be relegated and revitalized it into a Champions League contender in a matter of weeks, even without a striker.

Worst Manager (still standing): Alan Curbishley, West Ham

Consistently outclassed tactically, check.  Bad signings, check.  Inability to regognize/utilize talent, check.  When is the last time that anyone has praised a brilliant decision made by Curbishley?  West Ham are mid-table, but in spite of him rather than because of him.

Best Signing: Elano, Manchester City

Torres may be a better player, but Elano was 1/3 as expensive.  No one, at least in the English media, knew who he was (despite him being a Brazilian International).  City bought him for 8m GBP and could probably sell him for 3 times that now.  A brilliant signing.

Worst Signing: Darren Bent, Tottenham Hotspur

Nothing against Darren Bent, he is a solid above average striker.  But, he is certainly not worth 17m GBP.  Particularly to Tottenham who already had Robbie Keane, Berbatov, and Defoe.  The 17m GBP could have been redirected toward buying a few competent defenders.

Best Game: Tottenham 4 - West Ham 3

No particular reason that this was the best game, but it sticks in the memory.  Carlos Tevez scored his first goal in this match.  Berbatov had a nice free kick.  It was edge of the seat action and entertainment.

Worst Game: Wigan Athletic (Entire Season)

Best Goal: Seb Larsson vs. Tottenham (Dec. 2)

Some other goals were flashier, but this strike was simply pure skill.

Most Overrated: John Terry, Chelsea

Throwing his personaltiy aside, John Terry is not a bad defender, but he is not a particularly great one either.  He hasn’t been one for quite a while.  Claims that he is a world-class elite defender are ridiculous.  Just in the Top Four of the Premier League one would take Carvalho, Carragher, Vidic, Ferdinand, Gallas, and Toure over Terry at this point in time.

Most Underrated: Peter Crouch, Liverpool

Crouch does two things, he causes defenders to panic and he scores goals at a reasonably high rate.  He may look like a jackass while doing it, but he is a solid player and definitively Liverpool’s 2nd best striker.

Berbatov pads stats

Against weaker opponents

Bad news for Reading

West Ham shocked Manchester United 2-1 at Upton Park.  It was West Ham’s third consecutive victory over United in the League.  The result was a bit unfair to Man U, who controlled much of the match.  They had a chance to seal the victory foiled when Ronaldo shanked his penalty (One suspects we won’t be seeing him wink or kiss the ball anytime soon).  The last two goals were from set pieces, which were simply poor marking and poor concentration.  Man U have no one to blame but themselves.

Brace yourselves for the thundering sound of the more corpulent members of the English Press hurling themselves off the bandwagon.

Everton dishearteningly lost to Arsenal 4-1 at home.  The Toffees looked set to take this one, bringing a 1-0 lead to the half-way point.  They dictated the play and possession, the crowd was up for it and the rain was pooring down.  Arsenal looked dead and dusted.

However, Everton flat-lined in the second-half, allowing Arsenal to climb back into it, after two spectacular finishes from Eduardo.  Adebayor and Rosicky came on late to poor salt on their wounds, and Arsenal escaped with a victory to vault them back on top of the table.

Eduardo thrived when finally given a league start, and, hopefully, Wenger will wisen up and give him a decent run of games to find his form.  He may just be the mythical fox in the box for which Gooners have been pining.

Nicklas Bendtner, however, had a horrendous outing in his first league start.  The normally precocious youth was hesitant and a step off the pace for the entire match.  He punctuated his piss poor performance by getting sent off for a second booking just as Wenger attempted to substitute him.

The rivalry between the Spanish Internationals also injected a bit of spice to the match, with Arteta being sent off for elbowing Fabregas in the face.  Cesc may have made the most of it, but it was an easy call and a stupid move by Arteta.  He now faces a three match ban and, as Everton’s best player, his absence could very well cost Everton a chance to compete for the Champions ‘ League places.

Chelsea weasled a home win against Newcastle 2-1.  Big Sam’s Boys deserved at least a draw from this match, as they dominated much of the second half.  They were burned on Kalou’s entirely offside goal.  You could have driven a truck between Kalou and the last defender.  Allardyce will be vindicated on The Right Result but that won’t help him stave off uber-qualified Angel of the North from taking his job.

Grant’s substitutions would undoubtedly have earned more scrutiny, if Chelsea had not been fortunate and come away with a victory.  Why remove arguably your best attacking player on the field in Joe Cole, particularly with an unfit Michael Ballack huffing and puffing but not blowing any houses down in midfield?  Let alone for Pizarro, who is completely worthless.

Also the announcer described Ballack as being an expert at timing late runs.  He’s not timing late runs it just takes him that long to finally get forward.  He doesn’t get forward.  He doesn’t get back in defend.  He can’t tackle.  He doesn’t pass real well.  What exactly does he do?  And why the captain’s armband over Essien?

Tottenham beat out Reading in a prolific 6-4 encounater at White Hart Lane.  Spurs play sub-par opposition and, surprise, Dimitar Berbatov pops up like a randy groundhog to score four before scurrying back underground in preparation for a top half of the table side.

It seems like these type of games always involve Reading on the losing end, which is not exactly a good thing.  Reading’s defense is shit, and it is an area Steve Coppel needs to shore up, to assure Reading staying in the Premier League.

Juande Ramos should quit football and start his own diet business.