Odds and Sods

Juande Ramos is invincible, in frivolous knockout competitions.  His Sevilla sides were UEFA Cup dynamos and Spanish Cup stalwarts.  Now, he has spread the Gospel to North London as his Tottenham squad won their first silverware of the new millennium, beating Chelsea 2-1 in the Carling Cup final.

Spurs went down 1-0 in the 39th minute to a Didier Drogba goal.  The Blues looked poised to coast to an all too predictable result before Big Game Berbatov popped in a penalty in the 70th minute and new boy Jonathan Woodgate won the match with a goal in extra time.

The trophy was Tottenham’s first since the 1998-99 League Cup victory.

They continue their quest for the two shites double on March 6th against PSV in the Quarter Final of the UEFA Cup, two trophies Arsene Wenger has never won.

After this weekend a Google search for “Sven” and “Up the Arse” won’t lead you astray as Arsenal defeated Manchester City 3-1 away from home to move to the top of the table.  Adebayor dropped a deuce, scoring in his eighth straight match.  Eduardo also controlled a ball magnificently with his chest to set up an overhead bicycle kick for a goal.  If he ever comes back from injury, Robin Van Persie may struggle to get back into the side.

Arsenal should have scored more, the scoreline hardly flattering their control of the match.  The only blight was Clichy’s mistake that led to the City goal, but it is easy to forgive the Frenchman who has been fabulous all season.

Man City have managed just two points from their last four Premier League matches.  Barry Glendenning winning his bottom half bet still looks unlikely, but a fall from the European places is well within the realm of possibility.

Arsenal took the lead at the top thanks to Manchester United’s 1-1 draw with Tottenham.  It was a gutsy performance by Spurs, fueled by superb signings Jonathan Woodgate and Alan Hutton.  Dimitar Berbatov finally decided to show up against a Top Four club, with an efficient finish.  They played well enough to deserve a win, but were once again foiled by poor set piece marking, leaving Tevez unmarked in front of goal in stoppage time.

Once again, Manchester United struggled on an away trip to London.  Hargreaves was taken off in favor of Michael Carrick.  Hargreaves plays with a lot of enthusiasm, but his penchant for going forward left them caught out on Tottenham’s goal.  One wonders if the more conservative Carrick might be the better choice to pair with Scholes.

The Gunners also picked up two points on third place Chelsea who drew 1-1 with Portsmouth.  Last minute signing Jermaine Defoe capped his Pompey debut with a goal, with an assist from Belletti’s poor positioning.  However, he missed two chances that could have given them the win.

The impetus behind Chelsea’s Day-Glo away kits was finally explained, with the ref missing two blatant handballs due to the glare.  With Fat Frank and Capt. John in dry dock and the African Nations Cup losses, their squad is thinner than Lindsey Lohan after a coke binge.  You know that it is dire when you rely upon Pizarro as your late impact sub.  Will someone please slip Avram a couple caffeine pills?

Moving on to squads out of the title race, Liverpool strode their way back into the European places with their 3-0 defeat of Sunderland.  Crouchie wasn’t having his nachos, as Rafa finally gave him a run out.  Not surprisingly, he scored a goal, nearly had another with a bicycle kick and set up Torres in space with a fabulous flick with the back of his head.  Whether it is a handball, a judo-tackle or a swift kick in the shins, the rules do not apply to Jamie Carragher.  The Pool are now in 5th place, one point behind Everton with a game in hand.

Kevin Keegan’s soccer circus has brought exciting football to St. James, though unfortunately for Newcastle it has been by the other team.  He finally got his first result, however, as Newcastle drew 1-1 with Middlesbrough.  Little Mickey got his first league goal in 4 months, though it was from a set piece rather than exciting football.  Newcastle were lucky that the Boro couldn’t capitalize more on the counterattack, and they were saved a scare when the one adept strike of Aliadiere’s career was ruled offside.   Gareth Southgate stole his grandfather’s cardigan before the match.

Finally, Fulham beat Aston Villa 2-1 at Craven Cottage to get their first win in the League since Nov. 3.  The recently returning Jimmy Bullard was man of the match, creating one goal and scoring another.  Hodgson will be happy if he doesn’t attempt anymore somersaults, however.  They also should get a boost from getting Brian McBride back in the side.  They’ve been extraordinarily unfortunate this season, and sit at 19th in the table, though only 3 pts from safety.

Jermaine Defoe has finally realized that he might have to actually football to attract Fabio Capello’s attention, because growing an absurd line of hair and wearing bras on his head just weren’t cutting it. He has made a last minute move to Portsmouth for 9m GBP. He hopes that playing every week will increase the probability of a return to the England setup.

However, Defoe may once again have a battle for playing time on hands, as Benjani’s 8m GBP move to Manchester City did not go through. The clubs could not get the paperwork through in time to meet the deadline. Sven’s secretaries are speedy and proficient, but can they type?

Middlesbrough have also been after a sexy striker, signing Brazilian international Alfonso Alves from Dutch club Heerenveen for a record transfer fee of 12m GBP. Alves scored 34 goals in 31 appearances in the Eredivisie last season. If he can be 1/17 that proficient in the Premier League, he will still be better than Aliadiere in the Premier League.

And finally, American and Chivas USA goalkeeper Brad Guzan had his 2m GBP move to Aston Villa cancelled, after the Home Office failed to grant the poor guy a work permit.

The Juande Revolution continues at White Hart Lane, as Spurs have agreed to an 8m GBP fee for Middlesbrough and occasional England defender Jonathan Woodgate. Bringing in an oft-injured overpaid English player is certainly a strict departure from the previous administration. Though Kevin Keegan’s animal magnetism may lure him to St. James’ Park instead.

Fulham hope that the Kansas City Wizards can provide their Magic Johnson, with 23 year-old striker Eddie leaving in a 3m GBP move. Johnson will join many of his fellow Americans, who will be plying their trade in the Championship for Fulham next season.

Arsene Wenger won’t be letting aborted wonderkid Theo Walcott leave on loan, for fear that the Arsenal squad will be shorthanded. Stoke were rumored to be in the mix to obtain the starlet’s services.

The infamous Jean-Alain Boumsong has joined French Champions Lyon from Juventus Reserves. Some might say that it is impossible for Lyon to not capture their seventh Ligue Un title in a row. The odds have just increased.

Chelsea are apparently willing to negotiate Didier Drogba’s exit to AC Milan or Barcelona, but provided they get Kaka or Messi as “equal” value in return.  When does that deal go through?  When winged feral pigs fly out of Roman Abramovich’s ass and start shitting marshmallows.  And yes, Peter Kenyon would somehow spin that as the next great commercial frontier.

Mike Ashley will let Keegan’s Soccer Circus begin with an ample transfer kitty to spend on new talent.  Keegan will look at Wayne Bridge, Shaun Wright-Phillips, Scott Brown, Wes Brown, and Deco.  Keegan also may be in the market for Jermaine Defoe, though Aston Villa may be hot on his trail.

Lyon striker Fred has rejected Daniel Levy’s skeevy advances and elected to stay at the club, despite being out of favor at the moment.

And finally, lovable Teddy Bear Lassana Diarra has already tactfully announced his intention to leave Portsmouth should a big club come in for him.