Odds and Sods

Senator Arlen Specter, the highest ranked Republican on the Senate Judiciary Committee, has requested that NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell explain the destruction of tapes related to the New England Patriots’ “Spygate” scandal.

The Patriots were caught filming the New York Jets’ defensive signals during the first half of their 38-14 victory on Sept. 9. On Sept. 20, the NFL fined the Patriots’ franchise $250,000, fined Bill Belichick $500,000 and forced them to forfeit their first round pick in the 2008 Draft.

As part of the agreement, the Patriots were ordered to turn into the league office all tapes and materials related to the illegal filming. The evidence was subsequently destroyed by the NFL.

First of all, why is Arlen Specter interested in this? It is made plainly clear in his initial letter, sent to Goddell on Nov. 15.

With the New England Patriots about to play the Philadelphia Eagles again, as they did in the Superbowl in January 2005, I would appreciate your advising me what your investigation showed, if anything, on the question of the Patriots’ stealing Eagles’ signals during the Superbowl game.

I had thought there would be some additional disclosures following your initial sanction on the Patriots and Coach Belichick, but I did not see anything further so I would like a response to this specific question.

To date, there has been no evidence, whatsoever, that the Patriots cheated in any way shape or form during their Super Bowl victory against the Eagles. Specter claimed to be representing “the integrity of the game,” but in the letter he merely concerns himself with one specific game, which, entirely coincidentally, is a team from his home state. Specter is not acting as a dignified moral compass in this instance. He is acting as a preposterous Eagles fan.

Why is Congress getting involved in what is purely an internal league matter? The most prominent example of Congressional interference with Professional Sports is in regards to performance enhancing drugs. One can make the argument that steroids and human growth hormone are a threat to public health, and, therefore, a matter of public interest. But what is the “public interest” associated with tapes that were destroyed?

There is certainly a prurient interest among conspiracy theorists, but does that really justify a public interest? There are a large number of pathetic men who have an interest in the contents of Heidi Klum’s underwear drawer, should that engender a taxpayer-funded inquiry?

It is true that the NFL and MLB were granted anti-trust exemptions by Congress. But, the purpose of those exemptions is so that we can all enjoy professional sports. It is not so that prickly, geriatric Congressmen can hold the Commissioners’ feet to the fire every time they get a bug up their ass about Mr. Palmeree and his 300 hits or about a member of the wrong political party trying to buy a baseball team.

Furthermore, what would this investigation accomplish? What does Arlen Specter expect to happen? Is the mythical visual evidence that the Patriots stole defensive signals in every game under the Belicheck tenure going to surface? Is it going to be indisputably determined that this taping was the crux of the Patriots’ success? Is Roger Goddell going to forfeit all of the Patriots regular season and postseason victories? Is Arlen Specter going to supervise as a tearful Tom Brady hands over his soiled Super Bowl ring to D.F. McNabb? Is the whole entire fabric and infrastructure of the NFL going to come crashing down in a giant heap as Arlen Specter stands atop the rubble flexing his decrepit guns?

In a word, no.

Whatever was on the tapes is irrelevant because they no longer exist. Roger Goddell is going to be as vague as possible and not say anything. Arlen Specter is going to puff out his chest and purposefully pontificate about the integrity of the game and engage in conjecture, both hypothetical and nebulous, about the aforementioned tapes. As the American taxpayer foots the bill.

ESPN will cover it as “BREAKING NEWS.” Mike and Mike will have some morning fodder, and the world will move on as it had before Arlen Specter suspiciously butted his beak into this incident just before the Superbowl.

Surely, Senator Specter, there are far more pertinent issues for the Senate Judiciary Committee to address. How about our government running illicit torture camps in foreign countries? Or if you have a thing for intrigues and missing tapes, how about those prisoner interrogation tapes that were destroyed?

If you want to root for the Eagles and spout irrational conspiracy theories, fine. But, employing the stature of your office to satisfy your own prurient interests on the public’s dime is a gross and atrocious misuse of your power. You sir, should be ashamed of yourself.

1. We avoided Farvageddon. Brett Favre has more middle-aged white male admirers than Hayden Panettiere. The amount of hype that the old gunslinger overcoming age and circumstance to lead his team to one last shot at Superbowl glory would have trumped anything previously seen in the Super Bowl offweek. The talking heads at ESPN would have circle-jerked like a bunch of crazed frat boys during an epic limp biscuit session. Peter King would have had a spontaneous orgasm recalling his feverish Favre dinner table escapades. It would have been ridiculous. It would have been nauseating. He won’t go away, but at least he will be confined to retirement talk.

2. We also avoided the Vajapocalypse. Credit to “The Soup” where it is due. The Chargers are finally out of the playoffs. This team was certainly the most underachieving playoff team for the amount of talent on their roster. They skated into the playoffs, largely due to the deficiency of the other teams in their division. They get an easy first round draw, catch the Colts on an off day and suddenly they balloon with bumptious bluster. The hubris express stopped at Foxboro. We saved ourselves two weeks of Marmalard Rivers talking smack. We escaped two weeks of LaDanian Tomlinson talking big before coming up short, hiding his fearful eyes behind his tinted visor. We avoided two weeks of Sean Merriman whining about other teams hitting him and hawking “Lights Out” merchandise. We also won’t have random defensive linemen whom no one has heard of inexplicably talking smack to the media.

3. Tom Coughlin’s Face. The only thing funnier than a rosy-cheeked Irishman is a rosy-cheeked Irishman in zero degree weather whose entire face turns red, causing his cheeks to turn purple. The only thing funnier than that? A rosy cheeked Irishman with a ridiculous sunburn. Now picture an angry rosy cheeked Irishman with a ridiculous sun-burn.

4. Making Time for the Mannings. How this has not yet been made into a reality show I have no idea. Imagine this scene as the camera pans to the Manning booth during the game. Archie cheers on his son, subtly resenting that now two of his spawn got to the promised land while he never did. Peyton is silently fuming that he was beaten while his stupid kid brother stumbled ass backwards into the Super Bowl. Emascalted Manning, without any football talent, sits to the side silently cursing genetics and his father’s scorn. You know you love it.

5. Tiki Barber is going to feel like an ass. Tiki left the New York Giants to pursue off the field interests, namely to be allowed to pretend he has gainful employment as a well-spoken and plausibly white reporter for The Today Show while performing his actual duties as a football analyst. He made himself the center of attention. He called out teammates and coaches publicly. He could be a candidate for the “Ewing Theory,” except Ewing was a Hall of Famer. Shed of shouldering his abundant Ego, the Giants have had an improbably run of good fortune. There is nothing like seeing Tiki choke down that bitter taste of comeuppance.

1. Another 24-7 NFL network already exists, ESPN. America does not need more NFL coverage on television. On a given day during football season, ESPN devotes nearly the entirety of Sportscenter to the NFL. They have NFL specific programs such as NFL Live throughout the day. Their general sports programming such as PTI and Mike and Mike in the Morning slants heavily toward the NFL. ESPNews televises press conferences live. It has reached its saturation point.

2. I can already see all of the games. For MLB, the NHL or the NBA a network is a wonderful innovation. If there is a baseball game of national interest, an MLB network could broadcast it nationally and provide an alternative to the local markett (Fans in Pittsburgh would be forever grateful).

For the NFL, the games are on National Television at a specific time. The prominent games are nearly always thrust onto Sunday and Monday Night. The NFL blacks out games that would compete against the home team, so they aren’t going to run a competing game on the NFL network. The only games that appear on the network are placed their intentionally to drum up otherwise non-existent interest for the NFL network and inject even more bulbous fat into the backside of the League’s cash cow.

The viewer gains nothing he or she did not already have by the presence of the network.

3. There is no compelling viewing. What marquee event is the NFL network using to arouse interest for itself, the Draft. First of all, the Draft is simultaneously the most hyped and most meaningless draft in Major Sports. The best quarterback in the NFL was a 6th round pick. There are #1 overall quarterbacks who are out of the league now. It is utterly meaningless drivel with no purpose besides providing a forum for Mel Kiper Jr. to masturbate over large black mens’ “upside potential” and “freakish athleticism.”

Second, the Draft is not until MID-APRIL. That is four months from now. What exactly is going to fill four months of programming? Live coverage from Pro Bowl practice? The QB challenge? How many reruns of “NFL Cheerleaders” can you show?

4. Bryant Gumbel is the worst play by play man ever. I have a lot of respect for Bryant Gumbel. His TV show and interviewing skills are excellent. Keep him where his talents are most useful, the studio.

He is terrible doing play-by-play commentary. A play-by-play man should describe what occurs on the field succinctly, set up the color commentator to explain things in detail, and perhaps (only if said announcer is funny) crack an occasional joke if its a boring game.

Gumbel keeps a running monologue throughout the entire game, not interrupting his sentence even if a play is occurring. He needlessly hammers home every minute detail which should be patently obvious to anyone even casually watching the game. The lack of chemistry with Chris Collinsworth was astounding, as Collinsworth struggled to create and interject his own points.

He also speaks in such a dreary monotone that I nearly fell asleep watching my favorite team go 16-0. I kept expecting/hoping for professional wrestling style fireworks with Chris Collinsworth exclaiming “That’s Gus Johnson’s music!” and having Johnson bash Gumbel on the head with a metal chair, steal his microphone and call the rest of the game.

The NFL network is a fundamental miscalculation. The league appeals to the populace not because it is brilliant or exciting, but because it is easily accessible. You know what time it is going to be on, and you know what channel.

The NFL has fooled the American populace into thinking that sitting through a four hour commercial extravaganza to watch 11 minutes of actual action is a worthwhile experience. Because of this, it has evolved into a multi-billion dollar industry. If the league continues to screw around, make people buy an extra cable package, and hunt around to find the network, they risk upsetting the delicate balance that keeps the league afloat.

Bottom Line: You’ve got a gravy train. Don’t fuck with it!

Best Regular Season Record in NFL History: 16-0

Most TD Passes: Tom Brady, 50

Most TD Receptions: Randy Moss, 23

Most Team TD in NFL History: 75

Champagne Corks Popped by Old Farts in Miami: 0

% Chance Mercury Morris will appear on ESPN by Monday: 100

Don Shula and the rest of the ‘72 Dolphins are scared, scared that this will finally be the season they need to keep the champagne on ice.

With the Patriots 9-0 and having no bogey game in site, the Dolphins’ 14-0 record looks to be under threat.

Shula has already moved quickly to diminish the Patriots accomplishment.  “The Spygate thing has diminished what they’ve accomplished,” Shula said.  “I guess you got the same thing as putting an asterisk by Barry Bonds’ home run record.”

That would have been an apt analogy, had someone caught Barry Bonds with the syringe in his hands before he could inject steroids for the first time.  The Patriots never used that videotape.  The camera and tape were confiscated before half-time.  The possibility, unproven, that they were videotaping defensive signals in years past may taint their past legacy.  But, they haven’t been taping anyone this season, so this season should be considered above repute.

The Patriots were already punished, losing money and a first round draft pick.  The league and everyone else got over this a while ago.  Even ESPN had more or less dropped the subject.

Don Shula bringing this up again only benefits one select group of people, the ‘72 Dolphins.  The amazing mythical team that managed to beat two teams with a winning record during a 14 game regular season.  The team that slogged through that grueling schedule of teams that combined for a 51-86-3.  Give me a break.

The ‘72 Dolphins were a very good team that won the Super Bowl and skated through an easy schedule.  Were it not for the ‘85 Bears, they would be the most overrated team in NFL history.

If the Patriots were to go 19-0, it would dwarf the Dolphins accomplishment.  They have a much tougher schedule and have had to do it in the salary cap era.

The ‘72 Dolphins are a bunch of pathetic old men maintaining their vitality on schadenfreude and big fat appearance fee checks.  The attempt by Shula to discredit the Patriots was both shameless and stupid.  The extra bulletin board material will probably ensure that the old men will be crying in their empty champagne glasses come February.

To quote the Globe: “Asterisk Smasterisk.”