Odds and Sods

Newcastle buzzed with electricity. The entire town pitched in, stealing Burger King hats and spray painting them black and white. The Geordie Messiah took the pitch to a rockstar’s welcome. Mike Ashley ordered a whopper, but he didn’t have it his way as Newcastle drew Bolton 0-0 at St. James park. Bolton looked toothless and the Barcodes looked tactless. Keegan’s presence seemed to engender their massive FA Cup victory over Stoke. Newcastle will have to hope the man can be as inspiring as the idea.

Reading lost 2-0 to Manchester United. Coppell’s men held the line for as long as possible, but Rooney and Ronaldo nearly always devastate at the end. Tabloid Wayne had a nice goal, and young Cristiano through one in at the end as well, which caused Sir Alex to forego his normal goal celebration to “salute” what appeared to be some fans. The only thing more perfect than Ronaldo’s play this season has been his hair, which miraculously holds in whatever absurd shape he manipulates it to without moving.

Birmingham lost a close one to Chelsea 1-0. Chelsea were vibrant in their fetching and fashionable highlighter yellow kits. Their play? Not so much… “Captain” Michael Ballack led Chelsea onto the field, and the team followed his lead as far as effort was concerned. Pizarro salvaged this one for Chelsea from a set-piece. Chelsea, astoundingly, have been playing a brand of football even more boring than under Mourinho, at least with him as manager he could provide some entertainment.

Arsenal dismantled Fulham 3-0 at Craven Cottage. The English would say that Fulham were pants. Americans would say that Fulham got pantsed. Arsenal didn’t play particularly brilliantly, but still cruised to victory. The 3-0 score could and should have been far greater. Adebayor can make a case for striker of the season in the Premier League. The midfield looked reinvigorated with the presence of Rosicky. He gets wide, covers ground, has great chemistry with Clichy, and is just an overall nuisance for the opposition.

Steve “The Ginger Assassin” Sidwell is set to move to Sunderland in a loan deal at the end of January, with a slight delay to allow him to cover for Chelsea’s African Nations Cup departures.  The loan will last for six months, with the option of a permanent deal afterward.  One has to commend the brilliance of Sidwell’s agent.  He was a coveted commodity available for free last summer.  He gets him a spot at Chelsea where he would obviously fail to crack into the first team.  Six months later he is at a club, Sunderland, who is worse than the one he originally left, Reading.  Job well done!

Stewie Downing may be stocking up on travel-sized toiletries as well. Middlesbrough would have trouble holding onto the winger, should Tottenham come through with an expected 12 m GBP bid.  This move would fit both of Tottenham’s major transfer strategies.  Why fill your most glaring hole when there are so many marginal ones to tinker with?  And, why buy a foreigner when an English chap can do the job for three times the transfer fee and twice the amount in wages?

Speaking of Spurs, Paul Robinson may be back down to his fighting weight under Juande Ramos’ new fitness regime, but he has been told by Daniel Levy to pack his bags.  Robinson angered the club by publically supporting fellow pie-lover Martin Jol and by his egregious ineptness at his profession.  Tottenham may employ him as part of a bid to enlist Downing, but Man City and Bolton may be in with a shout as well.

And, what the hell, why not another Spurs story.  They may also be putting integral summer signing Darren Bent into the shop window.  Tottenham reportedly want 12.5 m GBP for the lad, which is three million quid less than they paid for him last summer.  For those of you concerned with such things, that is one million GBP for every goal scored (3) this season.

The song that never ends has finally ended with Nicolas Anelka leaving Bolton for Stamford Bridge in a deal that could potentially be worth 15m GBP.  The Blues will hope that Le Sulk can fill in the Drogba role during the African Nations Cup and provide a potent partnership when he returns.  Anelka, joining his eighth club, has extensive experience in English football, so, unlike their last high-profile striker signing he won’t “be a girl” and get offended by John Terry slapping his bare-ass with a pair of shower sandals.

Crazy Jens Lehmann submarined his long-rumored deal to Borussia Dortmund, “for personal reasons.”  In other words, Dortmund wanted him to take a pay cut and he got assurances that he would still be the keeper for Germany in Euro 2008 regardless of his club position.  His experience, locker-room presence, maturity, and positive energy is exactly what the Gunners need going into a title run.  He is the pesky hemorrhoid that not even a healthy dose of Preparation Wenger can cure.

Speaking of Arsene, he will continue to stock his purely platonic harem of strapping young lads when he puts in a bid to sign 15 year-0ld Gillingham striker Luke Freeman.  Look for Chelsea to poach him immediately.

Martin Skrtel will be on his way to Liverpool in a 6.5 m GBP move from Zenit St. Petersburg.  The Reds were definitely in need of another defender, though one cannot help but feel that this smacks of another mediocre Benitez signing.  Barring disaster, the signing indicates that the Americans will give Benitez till the end of the season to turn things around.

The FA Cup Third Round relieved us from the dreariness of our normal robust Premier League schedule to enthrall us with live riveting matches like Pompey-Ipswich and grant us the opportunity to pay top dollar to watch Villa-Utd.  All 20 Premier League clubs participated at the weekend and here are their performances ranked in order.

Great Success!

1. Manchester United 2-0 win over Aston Villa.  They had a tough draw, having to play Villa away.  It wasn’t a dominant performance, but they got the goals when it counted.

2. Wigan beating Sunderland on the road 3-0.  A convincing win against a (for now)  Premier League caliber side away.  Still hoping that Wigan supporters adopt “Don’t Let Me Dow-ow-own, Brrrruce!” (the ELO song) as an anthem.

High Five

3. Arsenal win 2-0 away at Burnley.  It didn’t set the world on fire, but they got the job done.

4. Middlesbrough come back from behind to beat Bristol City 2-1.  It’s a win, so Boro supporters will be pleased.

Listen pussycat, give me a smile

5. Chelsea beat QPR 1-0.  Got my hopes up when The Guardian misprinted the result as a QPR 1-0 victory.  Not impressive but they’ll take it.

6. Portsmouth beating Ipswich 1-0.  David Nugent is still alive.  Who knew?

I get Ipod.  He get Ipod mini.  But everybody know it’s for girls!

7-8. Tottenham and Reading Draw 2-2.  Berbatov should donate part of his next contract to Reading.

9-10. Manchester City 0 - West Ham 0.  Yawn.

11. Derby drew Sheffield Wednesday 2-2.  Sheffield Wednesday are a Championship side, but so are Derby so the result is fitting.  The Rams will just be happy to fight another day.

12. Aston Villa lost to Manchester United 2-0.  Bad draw.

Do Not Fear Me Gypsy.  All I want is your tears.

13. Liverpool drew with Luton 1-1.  Jose Mourinho… Come on down!

14. Newcastle drew with Stoke 0-0.  Do you want your Big Sam ass cheek Medium or Well Done?

15. Bolton lost to Sheffield Utd. 1-0.  Respectable loss and probably better for them to bow out early and concentrate on the League.

What’s Up with it Vanilla Face?

16. Fulham drew Bristol Rovers 2-2.  They can’t even keep a clean sheet against a struggling League One side.

17. Sunderland lost to Wigan 3-0 at home.  Embarassing.

18. Birmingham Lost to Huddersfield 2-1.  Unacceptable.

Where I put this?

19. Everton lost 1-0 to Oldham.  Teams that are taking that next step don’t lose to Oldham.

20. Blackburn lost 4-1 to Coventry at home.  Hideous.

Spurs striker Dimitar Berbatov wants to take his high-flying, meaningless goal-scoring show on the road to a bigger club hoping to increase that blow-out margin to 5-0 or 6-0.  Berbatov’s agent has confirmed that the striker would be interested in leaving if the opportunity availed itself.  However, Tottenham don’t want to lose him for fear on relying upon their other three highly paid strikers.  The going rate for the flat-track bully is 25m GBP, with Manchester United and Chelsea being the best bets to land him.  His best fit would be Liverpool, however, Tom and George have still not come to grips with the fact that their excellent adventure may cost them some money.

On the subject of surly strikers, the tired Nicolas Anelka transfer rumors have once again reared their trite and predictable head.  Sven Goran-Eriksson can no longer stand the sight of Darius Vassell leading his front line and has ample blood money to spend on a striker.  Anelka played for City from 2002 to 2005 and still makes his home in Manchester.  The move would make sense.  Though Chelsea might have something to say about it.

Apparently convinced that Kaka is not up to Real Madrid’s standards, Ramon Calderon has created a non-existent stir in the Manchester United camp with a rumored 45 m GBP bid for Cristiano Ronaldo.  The Mirror had the “exclusive” story about this, apparently different than the one that appeared in every other major sporting news outlet.  The move would make zero sense for Man U in footballing terms, though the state of Malcolm Glazer’s credit crisis may dictate otherwise.

Roy Keane appears to understand what type of players he needs for the relegation fight, i.e Steven Hunt and Steve Sidwell on loan.  Unfortunately, these players don’t coincide with who actually may be available for Sunderland.  Keane’s team are above water, though they will hope to hope for some clubs to falter for them to stay up.