Odds and Sods

The Big Lead is reporting that ESPN is set to unveil a video blog featuring Amanda Beard, where the Playboy Playmate and former Olympic swimmer will answer sex questions from her Blackberry in a bikini.

All seven of our normal readers might expect me to rant and rave about how this is soft-porn peddling to attract the prurient page hit. But, sex advice is important. With the bible-toting abstinence-only hordes taking over our public schools, ESPN is possibly performing a necessary service. My only critique is that the subject matter should be handled in true ESPN style, with multiple panels and commentators.

Dear ESPN, I am a member of the unwashed mass of bloggers bellowing at you from my parents basement. How do I get a woman to like me?

Sean Salisbury: I don’t know why this is so difficult for you. All you gotta do is take a picture of your man-meat with a cell phone and whip it out on the first date. Problem solved.

Jay Crawford: No, No Sean. You’ve got it all wrong. You need to make a woman feel special. Tell her how beautiful she is by pointing out that is the reason she was hired. Then make disparaging comments about all the other girls so she knows that she’s the one for you.

Woody Paige: Oh, come on Jay. That’s ridiculous. You gotta be physical with her. Fondle her. Give ‘er a good tickle once in a while. If she resists you lay down the law on that stupid c—. And make sure to bring plenty of babes by the set to make her jealous.

Harold Reynolds: Fellas, that’s not the way to do it. You have to be real smooth with the ladies. Start off with a good old-fashioned hug. A good lung hug. Just keep holding on. That’s it…

Steve Phillips: Now Harold, first things first. You have to take care of the legal issues at stake here. You have to make sure it is consensual. Do whatever it takes to get that on the record. Videotape. Signed documents. Whatever it takes.

Mike Tirico: Now seriously, guys. I am the voice of reason at this network. Here is how you get with a woman. You need to be direct, tell her how beautiful she is. More importantly, you need to be persistent. Let her know you are thinking about her. Telephone messages. E-mails. Follow her around. Try to get her to pull over on the highway. Lunge at her. Don’t let her play hard to get.

Chris Berman: You’re with me, leather!